I've contemplated writing this for months now, I have gotten pretty personal on here before but for some reason this seemed harder to talk about than it should. Miscarriages are NEVER something people want to talk about, or even experience and yet here we are. Many of you know that we lost a baby when we went through our IVF cycle and that was one of the hardest things I have been through but with the help of our savior and family and friends Justin and I were able to get through it. Now this post is not to rehash a previous miscarriage but to share the joy we were able to find after going through another one last year.
May 2019- It was the week of Justin's graduation from Pharmacy school and there was lot of stress, joy and excitement that week. So naturally when I was a few days late I didn't think much of it, graduation day came and went in a blink of an eye and that following weekend I had this nagging feeling that I might be pregnant. Now if you've followed our story you know that in the past we were never successful in getting pregnant on our own so you can guess why I pushed that thought away quickly. I was at a friends house watching her daughter during their garage sale and that feeling persisted while I was there. I remember when my friend came in for lunch telling her "I think I might be pregnant." Immediately she told me that I should take a test and said she'd look after Lexi while I went to buy one. That 2 min. drive to the store was really nerve racking! Once I got back from the store and took the test I waited what felt like FOREVER to go back in and check the results. As soon as I flipped the test over it was clearly positive. I started to laugh cry and went out and told her. We hugged and came up with a fun idea to tell Justin as he was at home studying for his board exam. As I drove back home to share the news with Justin I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming joy! I couldn't believe that we were able get pregnant without fertility drugs and doctors, and I knew that Justin would be thrilled. When I got home I had Justin help Lexi color a picture we printed off at my friends house that said "I'm going to be a BIG SISTER." I can still remember Justin's confused reaction that instantly brought a smile to his face and dare I add a few tears in his eyes. To say we were excited was an understatement we were THRILLED.
Fast forward to Mother's Day weekend we couldn't help but want to share our news with family, granted I was only about 6 weeks at the time we just wanted everyone to share in our joy. Justin's whole family was in town for his Grandma's 100th Birthday celebration so we felt like this was the best opportunity to share. We had Lexi color a Mother's Day card for his mom and signed it from Justin Melissa and BIG SISTER Lexi. His mom didn't quite catch on the first time she read it so we had her repeat it and everyone was so surprised. I remember just feeling so happy and so ready for another baby. Later that afternoon we did a FaceTime with my parents and little brother to share our news my parents and little brother were so happy for us! Emily had the best reaction as she started to cry in front of Logan's whole family haha. (Even now as I write this I still tear up at that sweet memory) Chris and Carla had already moved away to Illinois so we called them that evening and shared the secret. We are so blessed to have such amazing family to share our joy with.
At 8 weeks we had our first appointment and I asked for an ultrasound because I wanted to be sure that we really were pregnant, and to my surprise there really was a little babe in there. Justin and I told Lexi that she was going to be a big sister and she kept saying that throughout the weeks.
*Disclaimer I am going to share some details that may be uncomfortable and or gross so please skip forward if you don't want to read this part*
2 weeks later on a Friday Justin and I went with Lexi to a sporting good store and I was feeling a little off as we were walking around. When we got home I used the restroom and to my shock there was blood in the toilet. I had never experienced that with our last pregnancy even after losing the Twin so I was immediately scared. I called my doctors office right away and told them what happened. The nurse asked me a few questions and one of them was if we had had intercourse recently, since we had we chalked it up to that but she asked if I wanted to come in for an ultrasound. Since she and I both felt like it must have been from the other nights intimacy we felt like I could wait to see if it got worse. Luckily by Monday everything was back to normal- or so I thought.
Now it was the weekend of July 4th and we were excited to share our big secret with the rest of our extended family and friends. Since Lexi was an IVF baby I had had many ultrasounds and I wanted to hear this babies heart beat before we told people. So I called and asked my nurse if I could come in and hear the heartbeat before we told our news the next day. She agreed to let me come in on July 3rd in the afternoon. I was so excited and prior to the appointment I went to the Dollar Tree to buy a few things to help with our announcement for the 4th of July. When I got into the room and the Nurse started to check things on the portable ultrasound I was shocked to hear her say "I am having a hard time finding the heartbeat, how far should you be?" My heart sank! I told her we should be 12 weeks and she had me go across the hall for a better ultrasound. I knew, probably from the last experience that something was not right. When I got into the tech's room she was able to confirm that I had in fact lost this baby. She told me " I am so sorry it looks like this baby is measuring at 8 weeks and 1 day. So if you recall I had an appointment at 8 weeks and I lost this baby the very next day. I was in shock and also so sad! I could barely hold it together when I had to go back to the Nurses office to talk about my options and when I got Lexi loaded into the car I called my mom and started bawling. Justin had to work that day so I kept telling her how I couldn't tell him I didn't want this to be on his mind the rest of his shift. My mom and I agreed I should wait and I started to drive home. Unfortunately Justin wanted to know how it went so he called me on the drive home. I pulled over and tried to contain my emotions but as soon as I heard him ask how it all went I sobbed "I lost it." He was so sweet and apologetic and I love him for it! He asked if it was okay to let his mom and sister know since they were visiting for the Holiday, I agreed and they immediately came over to sit with me.
All I remember from the rest of that night until the next day was shame, guilt, pain and sorrow. I kept praying to understand why and for help to not feel the way I was feeling. We told the family members and small number of close friends who knew we were expecting and I received an enormous amount of love and sweet messages from them all. I would not have been able to get through that evening with out them and my sweet husband.
I would be lying if I said that after that day everything went back to normal and I was my happy self again. Sadly no, I had weeks of guilt and sadness mixed with some anger. Then I had months of failed attempts to get pregnant again and I was just devastated. How could it have been so easy to get pregnant back in April but not now? How come Heavenly Father doesn't want me to have another one? Doubt, questions, fear and sadness were what stayed with me until one day I got tired of feeling this way. I remember waking up one day and saying, "Not today, today I will choose to not feel this way." (sounds corny I know) That seemed to really help me to make it through the day, I found my letter board and wrote out one of my favorite quotes "Have Courage and Be Kind" and decided that was my motto for now until something else came to me. That stayed on my board until Fall. By September I had had enough of tracking my ovulation and trying to plan what days we'd try to get pregnant. I told Justin I wasn't going to track my cycle or ovulation anymore and we would just see what happened.
September went by, October was gone in a blink of an eye and soon it was November and we were just bouncing through the Holidays like that (imagine me snapping my fingers). Justin's birthday came and went and last year Thanksgiving was the last week of November so next thing I knew it was December. During those months I did a lot of praying, wishing and hoping for another baby. But I think most importantly I focused on my relationship with Justin. We talked about my fears and my desire to have more kids. We spent time connecting and even praying together for another baby. And I will always cherish those memories.
December 2019- I think because of all the craziness the Holiday's bring and even sometimes stress I didn't really think much of it when I was 2 days late again. I woke up on December 12th again with that nagging feeling that I should take a pregnancy test. I was too scared to get my hopes up I put it off. I told myself that if my cycle didn't start by Friday I would take the test. So come Friday morning December 13th I decided to heck with this I'll just take a test to confirm I wasn't pregnant so I could go on with my month. To my total shock it was POSITIVE! I almost fell to the floor crying. I remember just leaning up against the bathroom sink holding the positive pregnancy test sobbing and saying a prayer over and over of how grateful I was. Oddly enough I was too scared to say anything to Justin, I didn't want to get his hopes up in case this didn't go like we wanted. But the next day we had a friend Christmas party and I was dying that Justin and my close friends had no clue about this exciting news. Yes it was still exciting even though I was so terrified. Since Justin had to work during our friend party my sweet friend sent me home with a gift just for him, I decided I would use that as my way of telling him we were expecting. When he called me that night I told him that he had a gift from the party waiting for him but he had no clue I had switched the gift out with my surprising announcement. I told him that his gift was going to be funny and that they asked me to film him so he wouldn't be suspicious of me having my phone out. He opened the box and inside was a note that said "This is the size of our Baby! August 2020. Taped to the note was a tiny sesame seed as that is what our babies size was that week, I will always cherish the videos I have of both these miracle pregnancies being announced to my sweet husband.
So if you've made it through this very long novel of a post we are so excited to say that we are expecting baby number 2! Justin and I couldn't be more excited for this sweet baby, and Lexi even though she doesn't quite understand I know she will be so excited for a sibling. She will make one amazing big sister!
"After every storm there is a Rainbow of hope" We are so grateful to our Father in Heaven for not only blessing us with this sweet baby, but for helping us to lean on each other and to grow from our trails.
