Infertility: Our Journey

(Started writing this 2/12/16)
This is so hard, I don't know where to begin, this has been on my mind a lot as of late. I kept hearing people say "you really need to start a blog, everyone would love to hear your story." I know they might be right but part of me still worries that I will be annoying to some and too open to others. I have really put a lot of thought into this and I know this is ultimately the best decision. So here we go please enjoy.

How We Met:

Justin and I met 8 years ago in Nampa Idaho, we were in the same singles ward. It was my first day at the new ward as I had just relocated from American Fork Utah to live with my sweet Aunt and her family. Justin recognized me from the few summer visits I had in Nampa and decided to come and introduce himself.  He had just came from the clerks office so he had taken some caramel Dove chocolates and put them in his pocket, He handed me one and said "Your Geri's niece right?" and I said "Yes." He then proceeded to walk me to our Sunday school class. He told me that I wouldn't get any chocolates if I didn't sit by him so I did. :) Later after church was over he sneakily got my phone number by saying people were getting together later that night for a movie and needed my number to invite me. {well played sweetie} We had our first date later that week and we instantly fell for each other. 8 years ago February 13th  marks the "anniversary" of the day he proposed and my life was never the same afterwards! {in a good way of course}


You know the poem "first comes love, than comes marriage, than comes the baby in the baby carriage??" Well that is how I figured our life would be, I mean we had already fell in love, we were married and after 4 years it was time we felt for that baby in the baby carriage....little did we know that there was another plan for us.

May 2012- Trying....:
When Justin and I decided it was time for us to try I really thought it was going to be super easy. Every month I would get my hopes up that this would be the time I got pregnant. Each month I was devastated to find it wasn't actually working. 6 months in I remember talking to some co workers who were already having their own kids. I asked them how long it took them and became even more discouraged to hear that they only tried for 1-3 months and were successful. But I also heard that it could take anywhere from 6 months to a year to achieve that goal.

After one year of trying and getting our hopes up to find out we weren't getting pregnant on our own we decided to go see someone. All the OBGYN's were full until the following month and I didn't want to wait that long, so we saw a nurse practitioner instead. We were told they would run a few tests and get back to us. Weeks went by with no word and when we finally called we were told to have Justin see a Urologist. Sassy me kept thinking what does a Urologist have to do with getting me pregnant?? :) So instead we  finally got an appointment to see an OB. I was so excited and hopeful that he would have wonderful news for us. In my mind I kept thinking things are going to be fine, We were not going to be like those other couples you only hear about from a friend of a friend or stories you read about in magazines. My situation was going to be different, a piece of cake....right? But my dreams were crushed as he told us that we had a 15% chance of getting pregnant. The Dr. could see I was fighting back tears and sweetly asked "why do I get the feeling this is news to you." We explained that no one had told us why we weren't able to achieve getting pregnant on our own. He then explained Justin's tests confirmed he had a low sperm count and low motility that contributed to our struggle. But he was optimistic that IUI would be successful for us, but just in case he also went over other options such as IVF and Adoption. I didn't know it then but my world was just changed, I was struggling with that awful word people use to describe those who are struggling with having a baby....Infertility.

IUI process:
So if you are new to this infertility thing IUI is a process where they take the sperm and use {excuse how I describe this because I dont know medical lingo} a long skinny turkey baster to inject the sperm into my uterus. I talked with a few people who had went through this before and they warned me that it wouldn't be comfortable and I would experience cramping. Thankfully I knew that going in because our first round was painful. I have had cramping before but nothing like that, after our injection I remember my breathing increasing almost like the labor breathing you hear people do in movies. Haha. I kept telling Justin that it hurt so much and he sweetly held my hand and told me it was okay and that he was sure it would go away soon. After what felt like hours {but was only really 30 minutes} the nurse came in and told me I could get up. I remember slowly sitting up but feeling dizzy and then.....it happened....I threw up! A couple side notes 1. I ABSOLUTELY HATE throwing up and 2. so does Justin he can't see, hear or smell it without getting sick. So my poor husband had to plug his ears and turn away to keep himself from puking too. When the nurse came back to make sure things were okay Justin told her I was sick and asked if it was normal. She jokingly exclaimed your Pregnant! But we knew she was just trying to make light of it, laughing it off she explained that this is common because the uterus contracted when I was injected and also due to me probably stressing it may have caused me to feel sick. So after I pulled myself together I headed back to work for the day.

 

(Justin patiently waiting during IUI procedure)

Those next 2 weeks of waiting were horrible and of course I was stressing and also slightly giddy as I imagined that this was it, we were going to get pregnant. But sadly my period came on time and I was crushed yet again. We faithfully returned each month either 1-2 times a month when I was ovulating to continue IUI treatments. After 5 months of trying this every month it started to drain my hope.Skipping forward in order to save you from a lot of reading after a year of IUI's we decided to have me checked out, we did a a tube dye test to check my fallopian tubes and things came back normal on that. In total Justin and I went through 12 failed IUI rounds in a 4 year span.  So I then started to go through what I am calling the 3 stages of infertility grief.

Stage 1. Anger:
 I was so sick of seeing every happy couple announce that they were expecting and I wasn't. I would even say things to my mom and best friend about how mad I was. Later learning this didn't help me get what I wanted nor did it make me feel any better. So I decided that I wasn't going to let myself get angry or say things I really didn't mean anymore, it helped a little but I still felt empty. I think for me the hardest part was I was feeling like I was being punished, you know like I wasn't good enough to become a mom. It was really hard for me to get over that feeling. Enter stage 2.

Stage 2. Sadness/Jealousy:
Yes I know these sound like the first stage but I think these go hand in hand with anger sometimes. I would often lock myself in our room and cry because "no one understood what it was like to be me." {pathetic I know}I would scroll through Facebook or Instagram and cry or pout about who got pregnant before me. Now mind you I had many friends who during this time got pregnant and while  I genuinely was happy and excited for them I still was ultimately JEALOUS! Thankfully I found my ways to cope and got myself out of that awful gloom. I found a hobby which kept me from having those horrible feelings. I found I loved to host parties. So I hosted the occasional baby shower and even a Bridal shower and that kept me happy....for the time being.

Stage 3. Denial:
Yep, I was in denial telling myself I didn't need anyone's help to have a baby and that it would happen when it was supposed to. I was  lying to myself by thinking I don't need a baby right now, I am content just working and spending time with just Justin and I. I mean come on Justin was starting his first year of Pharmacy school and so it obviously isn't the right time for us. Another part to this was I just felt lost, not sure where to turn or who to go to in order to figure out our problems. So I just continued to tell myself, like most people would tell me that "it will happen when its supposed to happen." So we continued to try here and there but ultimately I think we both knew it wouldn't happen for us without help.

Around Christmas {2015} I heard of a co worker who had done IVF and she was so kind to share her advice. She told me of a great doctor and a clinic that was slowly moving towards being able to do IVF in Idaho Falls. So I did some research and that helped me to slowly come out of my denial. Once Christmas was over and our life settled back into the normal routine I decided in January I would call my OB's office and ask for their referral, I was sent to Idaho Falls Fertility Clinic.

In Vitro Fertilization or IVF:
This is what I will refer to as the big guns of Infertility.There are so many things involved in this process, not only does it cost so much money but you are also giving yourself shots to help with this procedure. Another thing to know about me not only do I not like throwing up but I HATE needles. So deep down I was praying this wasn't going to be our next step. :)

Our first appointment with the Idaho Fall Fertility Clinic was scheduled for January 11th for a consultation and again I was hopeful to learn what to do from here. The Dr. was so friendly and full of knowledge. She asked us to tell her about our story that way she could get an understanding. Later she told us due to so many failed IUI's that she didn't think at this point where we've waited so long to be parents that we should try that again. So IVF was the next thing for us, which we of course figured it would be. She walked us through what would be our process and made sure to answer any questions we had. During our first visit she did a waterbase ultrasound{I hope I am remembering all of this correctly, it was all a blur} to make sure my uterine lining looked good. What she said next I wasn't expecting.

 So this whole journey through infertility we've been under the impression that our only issue was the low sperm and motility, well that day it was confirmed that I too was contributing to our problem. She said "you my friend have endometriosis," Instantly I was nervous as I thought I would have to have surgery or that this process would take even longer. She must have sensed that nervousness because she immediately followed up with "but its not enough for surgery." Wahoo!!! When we finished the ultrasound our Dr. informed us that she would bypass the ovary with the endometriosis and that she didn't foresee it causing any problems, so that was a relief.

We then were given a folder with some IVF information and a to do list of things to get us ready for this journey that will all too quickly become our new reality in gaining our ultimate dream of becoming parents.

This post is extremely long but I wasn't sure exactly what to share and what not to share, my hope for my blog is to help those women and couples who are going through IVF to understand they are not alone. But not only that it will be a coping mechanism for me, a way to share my feelings and again help those who are joining us on this journey. Let me know if you have any questions.

                 The Almonds.